Lonely eyes

Being alone.
Finding happiness in yourself.

There is strength in solidarity.
That has been one of the hardest things for me to realize in this past year.
That I need to make myself happy all by myself.
That my happiness shouldn't depend on another person.
And I think that's the biggest thing that tore me apart last summer.
My happiness was all bottled up in a relationship and one other person.
And when that fell apart I thought in order to be happy I needed to attach myself again to another person.
But that's not always the case.

Actually that never works out well.
That person meant something to you and you need to heal.
In order to actually progress as a person you cannot relationship hop with out some major repercussions.

If you want to be happy, you need to know what its like to make yourself happy with out the aid of anyone else.
You need to be able to make yourself happy and pick yourself up with out the help of anyone else.
You need to be self sufficient.

And today I think I proved to myself that I am just fine all by myself.

I went out to dinner all by myself.
With the mentality that being alone is fine.
I called Claire before I went and told her this and she said I needed to find someone.
And you know what, I didn't.
I found a friend at the restaurant, but I was perfectly fine sitting by myself with my book.
I do not need someone else to tell me how beautiful, funny, intelligent or kind I am.

I can handle being alone.

I can fricken handle being alone.

A year ago I would not have been able to walk in anywhere by myself.
I would have needed to have someone with me to go grocery shopping, or run errands or go out anywhere.
I would have needed someone because that would have fueled that I was a wanted individual.
I was liked enough to have someone tag along.

But I've found recently that the human race can be a bit fickle, and that quite frankly i'm pretty OK in my own mind.
I may be going full on hermit here.



But to those that think that going alone or being alone is scary.
Try it out.
There is strength in being alone.

I thought for the longest time that I was an anomaly because I had trouble with relationships and couldn't hold onto one.
But I think what I wanted was to be loved.
To find someone to fill in the gaps that I didn't like about myself.
But you shouldn't set out looking for someone to love you.
You have to love yourself first.

And I hope someday i'll find someone that will love my flaws that I don't love all that much.


But for now, this single girl is fine being single.
There is no pressing need to find someone and say I love you and get engaged, married, have babies and live happily ever after.

There's time for all those things and I want to do it right.
So I will wait.
And i'll fix myself up, so that the gaps in the places where I don't like myself as much are a bit smaller.

So my lonely eyes are not lonely at all.

I am strong.
I do not need to have someone with me to feel wanted.
Sure its nice to have people along but I will not depend on it.
I will depend on myself.

Bring it on world.
This girl is just fine by herself for the first time in years.