Fix you

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you



I have a bad tendency to try to fix people that cannot be fixed.
I try my best but really only that person can ever fix themselves.
I cant do it which just kills me


I always want to make others pain less.
Help in any way that I can.


But I don't know if the world quite realizes that even the fixer needs to be fixed sometimes. 

I need love and affection.
Physical touch is one of the things I miss most about being in a relationship.
The feeling of having someone there.


I also have a bad tendency to fall too hard and fast for people.
I feel like I don't want to pass up any opportunity so I tend to fall too hard for people that have the smallest sliver of liking me. 

I think its because for a while I wasn't sure if I deserved love.
With the whole heart condition thing it gives you a different sort of perspective on life and mortality.
Like I thought that I didn't want to start anything serious or get too attached because I wasn't sure what was going to happen to me.

So I should be perfectly fine guys but when you have an overactive imagination and you tend to over think every minuscule detail and have a bad habit of going on Web MD to look at your condition, you tend to get a different and a bit more crazed mentality about life and love.

So i'm good mostly physically.
Its just the mental that gets out of control.

So I tend to fall for those that like me or I make myself like them.
I want to be there for someone else so much that I often forget about myself.

How I feel towards another person.

And right now all the men are running for the hills because I have just sabotaged any chance of a relationship because I have let you into my crazy world.

I tend to do that. 
I test a person to see if they can stand my crazy and then I proceed.
Its like a fail safe.
If they fail the test usually after I let them in either it works or it ends in the next week or two.
I eat some ice cream and get over it mostly.
Try to learn from the last.
That way I know who is worth it and I don't waste that much time.



Being able to handle me is a test.
The scar and story is a test.
If they get far enough the family is a test.


But I forget that I need to be fixed sometimes. 
That I need to find someone who is as committed to helping me and loving me as I am to them.



I think what I do is I treat a person how I would like to be treated in a relationship.
Which doesn't end well usually because I come on too strong.


I'm not saying that I need a serious relationship by any means any time soon.
But maybe someone who likes me more would be nice.

OK universe.
I don't need a perfect man.
I don't need a prince any time soon.

Just sometime in the future I need someone who loves all of me.
All the scars.
All the quirks
All of me.
Be able to quiet my mind that moves too fast.

He doesn't need to be perfect and hell he doesn't have to come for a couple of years, but I'd like just someone who likes me as much as I like them.
Equality in a relationship.

That's what i'm going to strive for.

Any maybe some day the scars wont be so scary and my wild mind will be quieted.
Some day that will happen.