Breathe in, breathe out

Sometimes I have to remind myself to breathe.
That I shouldn't wind myself up so much.
That I cant take everything so seriously.
It was recently brought to my attention that i'm often perceived to be uptight or too proper.
Well in reality I see myself as a pretty easy going person.
But at the same time I can also see how people would see me as uptight.

I tend to hold myself to higher standards than I do for everyone else.
Its more of a let down personally if I let others down then if someone else lets me down.
I just hope the world has the same morals as I do.
So when something doesn't come through that wasn't my fault, it still hits me hard.

I think this is all coming about because I didn't reach the goal of raising the funds for Hanna and I to go to L.A. with a few other editors. I was supposed to raise $1,340 for both of us to go. And I didn't do it. I somehow thought we had more time. Life just got in the way and I didn't get it done. I took on more than what I could accomplish. That's a reoccurring theme for me, its so hard for me to say no.
I hate to disappoint people.
And now the team of editors are heading off to L.A. tomorrow, without Hanna and I.
But come hell or high water, Hanna and I are going next year to this damn conference!

I am a hard person to love sometimes.
I am irrational.
I am emotional.
I expect a lot from people just because I expect a lot from myself.
I cry sometimes for no good reason.
My heart falls to hard and fast for people
I'm persistent which means I can be annoying.
I sometimes don't get social cues.
I'm far too hard on myself and its hard for me to not take things personally when something I love is critiqued.
I often over think a situation,
I get too emotionally invested.
I'm needy.
I'm not always comfortable in my skin
I have a medical condition that could make future dreams perplexing.
If I have a rough morning, there is literally nothing that can get me out of my bad mood or the funk that i'm in.
Things that I try to keep under the surface never stay hidden for long and come out pretty quickly and depending on how long i've been holding onto something, sometimes violently.

The future is uncertain which I hate and love.
Mostly hate because I just want to know what it will hold for me.

But i'm trying to work on my qualities that are hard to love. Trying to smooth things over. Cushion the fall if something goes wrong.

My mom and I emotionally are very similar which can be hard to deal with. We both feel the same way. Those darn brown eye girls have more in common than just our eyes.
My dad tends to help me through emotional episodes because hes the rock of the family.
Which helps a lot.

But even though I think I've made leaps and bounds of progress on loving myself, sometimes I just get knocked back down.
But then I get back up and try again.
That's one of my qualities I actually really like about myself.
I never give up.
I always get back up.

Sometimes I just need to remember to breathe.